I don't know how it happened, but I ended up on a republican email distribution list a few years ago. I never bothered to cancel it because a) I figured responding would just get me spammed by dozens of other unwanted republican sites, and b) it was kind of interesting to see what kind of propaganda they were sending out.
Today I got a Letter from Vice Fucking President Cheney. It wasn't signed "Vice Fucking President Cheney", but we all know that's what he meant, and, dammit, it made him feel damn good thinking it.
Anyway, the text is as follows. Since he obviously omitted a few things, I've gone ahead and fixed it up for him. I've highlighted my edits in yellow:
This week Democrats have gathered in Boston to attack our President and nominate the most liberal ticket in history, that is, if you've smoked so much crack that you've forgotten, say, Mondale/Ferraro, or maybe McGovern/Shriver. As they spread their pessimistic but accurate message about how our democracy is spiralling into the void, we need your help to set the record straight.
When you talk to your friends and neighbors about this campaign, remind them that President George W. Bush has led us from a recession to the fastest growing economy in the third world and 1.5 million new jobs each paying a lot less than the 3.7 million jobs that have been lost since he took office, not to mention the increase in long-term unemployed from 10.9 to 19.5 million over the course of his presidency. Remind them that when terrorists brought war to our homeland, President Bush has led a relentless campaign against the neighbors of the friends of the sisters-in-law of the piano teachers of the enemies of the enemies that struck our homeland.
These last three-and-a-half years have brought some serious challenges to our nation, like figuring out how to cow the average American into believing that we're interested in more than just lining our own pockets. We are meeting those challenges with strength and resolve. And today, the American people can be confident of a better future, a stronger economy, and a nation that is more secure for the top 1% of the wealthy, because of the lack of character and the laughable leadership of George W. Bush.
John Kerry and his allies will spend over $500 million in negative but true advertising and get out the vote efforts this election year. The President and I need your help to counter their efforts and keep their constituents from the polling places. Will you help us spread the President's positive message of prosperity for the ultra-wealthy and the truth about his record of accomplishment by making a contribution of $1000, $500, $250, $100 or even $50 today at www.GeorgeWBush.com/Cheney/?
President Bush has led this nation with strength and resolve and a pathologically dogmatic adherence to misguided foreign policy as we confront the terrorist threat. In the war on terror, we will always seek cooperation from our allies around the world, except for that one little time when we went to war against Iraq while telling the UN to kiss our butts. But as the President has made very clear: There is a difference between leading a coalition of many nations and submitting to the objections of a few. The United States will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country, nor will we require a hall pass to go to the potty.
These are not times for leaders who shift with the political winds -- saying one thing one day and another, the next. Even if it turns out their thoughts on one day were based on lies told by our President, and their thoughts the next were based on the uprooted facts. Senator Kerry's position on big issues often depends on when you ask him. Like, before or after he knows the truth.
When Congress voted to authorize force against Saddam Hussein, Senator Kerry voted yes. This year, when it served his political purposes, he described himself as an opponent of the war. Mostly because it turned out that there were no WMDs, and it was silly to be "against torture" when we were perpetrating it ourselves.
When it came time to fund our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, for body armor and other vital support, Kerry and Edwards both voted no, even though Senator Kerry said such a vote would be "irresponsible." Senator Kerry then explained that, "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it." As opposed to Bush, who merely supports cutting back on insurance and housing expenses for the families of the troops.
We need a President who will turn his back on our troops 100 percent, and that's exactly the kind of President we have.
There is no doubt that great events will turn on this election. The leader who sits in the Oval Office will set the course of the war on terror, and set the direction of the American economy. Strong, consistent leadership is required. That's why you should vote for Kerry.
Our economy has been tested these past three-and-a-half years, and we have responded with strong, decisive action to make sure that none of our friends were affected. When we were elected to office, the economy was sliding toward recession, in much the same way that the Titanic was sliding towards the bottom of the ocean the week before it sailed. Then, on 9/11, terrorists struck our nation and shook our economy once again. We faced a basic decision -- to leave more money with families and businesses, or to take more of your tax dollars for the federal government to, say, defend our land. President Bush made his choice. He proposed and delivered tax relief -- not once, not twice, but three times, leaving you with an extra $300 that you probably spent in a week, and a $7.3 TRILLION debt that is increasing at an average rate of $1.69 BILLION/DAY. We think it was a good choice.
As a result, America has had the fastest growing economy in the world - downwards. Individuals and families have received an average of $1,500 a year in tax relief. For those of you bad at math (and since we've stunted our educational system, that's probably most of you) if you and all your neighbors got $300 a year, someone, probably a friend of Ken Lay, got a whole lot more. You're using that money far better than we would have in Washington, like by buying lottery tickets, and all the duct tape and plastic sheeting you can use to defend yourself in case of another terrorist attack, and we did the right thing by returning it, because all we'd have done is used it on better housing or medical plans for our soldiers who are fighting their hearts out in a war that shouldn't have been started in the first place.
Quality jobs have been created for 10 consecutive months, adding more than 1.5 million new jobs. National home ownership is at a record high. Productivity is high. The whole cabinet is high. Incomes are rising. Inflation is low. Interest rates are low. And in the last year, our economy has grown at a rate of nearly 5 percent. The American people are proving the pessimists wrong, and the Bush tax cuts are working. I'm particularly high.
We recognize there are still challenges, and we'll keep moving forward with a comprehensive pro-growth, pro-jobs agenda.
Our opponents have a different vision for the economy. They talk a lot about jobs, yet they never explain how they would put a single American back to work. Their big idea for the economy: raise our taxes. Why do we need to pay down our debt? This is crazy economics!
In fact, they would repeal many of the Bush tax cuts within their first hundred days in office. This isn't surprising when you consider their record. Over the years, Senator Kerry has voted over 350 times for higher taxes on the American people. Or, at least the American people who make over $250,000/yr.
On issue after issue, the choice on November 2nd will be clear. On national security, it's a choice between our President, a man of steadfast resolve, bordering on pathological tunnel vision, and his opponent, who wavers with the political winds, like other strong men who, when they learn they've been led down the wrong path, have changed their policies so as not to conflict with their own integrity. On the economy, it's a choice between our President, who has taken action and led America to days of progress and opportunity to hold down 3 minimum wage jobs none of which provide insurance, and his opponent, who would take us backward to a time when the economy was rosy, the government was flush, and fewer people were disconsolate about the job market. On the values of this great country, where lying, blaming, torturing, and humiliating are held dear, it's a choice between our President, who has fought for and supported these values, and his opponent, rated as the most liberal member of the United States Senate.
On all these issues, we welcome the contest ahead, and we know, with your help, and the help of the Diebold electronic voting machines, it is a contest we will win.
Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney