Friday, July 30, 2004

frequency

shazam.

I once (during grad school, probably between rounds of Tetris) wrote a fortran program (like Latin, a dead language) to take a pre-existing document as input, create a tally of word, word length and letter frequencies, and spit out a new, random document a) using real words with the same word frequency, or b) using randomized words with the same word length and letter frequency.

As it had no obvious astronomical purposes, let's just say I was "off-duty".

It really didn't have any purpose when I wrote it, I was just dicking around, but eventually I used it to generate random words when I was trying to think of a name for my new embryo. It was actually a great brainstorming tool because I came up with Wyld and Wolf, names that would never have occured to me otherwise. Names that I apparently would never use, either, since my kid's name is Zachary, so, well, whatever. Nonetheless, it was a project that I remember, and I sort of wish I still had the programming capacity to rewrite it in a new language, 'cos it would be cool. You know. For dicking around with.

Now it turns out that someone obviously got hold of it and input all documents ever written and all conversations ever spoken in English because I just got a link to a great site that graphically displays the top 86000-ish most frequently used words in the English language. www.wordcount.org. Ok, maybe they have a different way of figuring out frequencies than I did, but I still like it.

Because I'm on this word frequency/lack of programming skills roll now, I'm reminded of another project that I wish I could do but can't because while other people were learning C and C++ I was maintaining legacy code in FORTRAN and I never had time to keep up and whine whine whine oppression oppression oppression. Anyway, I want to be able to take a document - say, the transcript of a Bush press conference, or the song lyrics to "I Miss that Bitch" - and turn the words into fridge poetry units, so you can, duh, make fridge poetry out of it.

Think of it:

oppressed terror rising
while this nation feels relief
having passed challenging drugs
across our borders

I mean, how cool would that be?

Someone help me here...

more junk

Today I woke up to junk mail from the W himself. Ick. The temptation to rewrite was strong, since yesterday's Cheney mail was so damn fun, but I couldn't make it all the way through W's original without wanting to just vomit.

So, instead I read a few good editorials from Paul Krugman
from the NYT, Ron Reagan in a piece in Esquire, and some guy I don't regularly read in the UK's Guardian. (speaking of vomit...) [ed. note: Just to clarify - I do not relate the Guardian directly to vomit. It's just that the article suggests that maybe letting Bush win so that he can "clean up his own vomit" might be a good idea. Personally, I think like any alcoholic, Bush would look at his own metaphysical vomit (i.e., the state of the country/world/economy/etc.) and turn around and order another drink, so I'm not in complete agreement with the author of the vomit article, but it was something to think about...]


Thursday, July 29, 2004

junk mail

I don't know how it happened, but I ended up on a republican email distribution list a few years ago. I never bothered to cancel it because a) I figured responding would just get me spammed by dozens of other unwanted republican sites, and b) it was kind of interesting to see what kind of propaganda they were sending out.
 
Today I got a Letter from Vice Fucking President Cheney. It wasn't signed "Vice Fucking President Cheney", but we all know that's what he meant, and, dammit, it made him feel damn good thinking it.
 
Anyway, the text is as follows. Since he obviously omitted a few things, I've gone ahead and fixed it up for him. I've highlighted my edits in yellow:
 
Dear Laurie,
 
This week Democrats have gathered in Boston to attack our President and nominate the most liberal ticket in history, that is, if you've smoked so much crack that you've forgotten, say, Mondale/Ferraro, or maybe McGovern/Shriver. As they spread their pessimistic but accurate message about how our democracy is spiralling into the void, we need your help to set the record straight.
 
When you talk to your friends and neighbors about this campaign, remind them that President George W. Bush has led us from a recession to the fastest growing economy in the third world and 1.5 million new jobs each paying a lot less than the 3.7 million jobs that have been lost since he took office, not to mention the increase in long-term unemployed from 10.9 to 19.5 million over the course of his presidency.  Remind them that when terrorists brought war to our homeland, President Bush has led a relentless campaign against the neighbors of the friends of the sisters-in-law of the piano teachers of the enemies of the enemies that struck our homeland. 

These last three-and-a-half years have brought some serious challenges to our nation, like figuring out how to cow the average American into believing that we're interested in more than just lining our own pockets. We are meeting those challenges with strength and resolve. And today, the American people can be confident of a better future, a stronger economy, and a nation that is more secure for the top 1% of the wealthy, because of the lack of character and the laughable leadership of George W. Bush.

John Kerry and his allies will spend over $500 million in negative but true advertising and get out the vote efforts this election year.  The President and I need your help to counter their efforts and keep their constituents from the polling places.  Will you help us spread the President's positive message of prosperity for the ultra-wealthy and the truth about his record of accomplishment by making a contribution of $1000, $500, $250, $100 or even $50 today at www.GeorgeWBush.com/Cheney/?

President Bush has led this nation with strength and resolve and a pathologically dogmatic adherence to misguided foreign policy as we confront the terrorist threat.  In the war on terror, we will always seek cooperation from our allies around the world, except for that one little time when we went to war against Iraq while telling the UN to kiss our butts.  But as the President has made very clear:  There is a difference between leading a coalition of many nations and submitting to the objections of a few.  The United States will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country, nor will we require a hall pass to go to the potty.

These are not times for leaders who shift with the political winds -- saying one thing one day and another, the next. Even if it turns out their thoughts on one day were based on lies told by our President, and their thoughts the next were based on the uprooted facts. Senator Kerry's position on big issues often depends on when you ask him. Like, before or after he knows the truth.
When Congress voted to authorize force against Saddam Hussein, Senator Kerry voted yes.  This year, when it served his political purposes, he described himself as an opponent of the war. Mostly because it turned out that there were no WMDs, and it was silly to be "against torture" when we were perpetrating it ourselves.

When it came time to fund our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, for body armor and other vital support, Kerry and Edwards both voted no, even though Senator Kerry said such a vote would be "irresponsible."  Senator Kerry then explained that, "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it." As opposed to Bush, who merely supports cutting back on insurance and housing expenses for the families of the troops.


We need a President who will turn his back on our troops 100 percent, and that's exactly the kind of President we have.

www.GeorgeWBush.com/Cheney/

There is no doubt that great events will turn on this election.  The leader who sits in the Oval Office will set the course of the war on terror, and set the direction of the American economy.  Strong, consistent leadership is required. That's why you should vote for Kerry.

Our economy has been tested these past three-and-a-half years, and we have responded with strong, decisive action to make sure that none of our friends were affected.  When we were elected to office, the economy was sliding toward recession, in much the same way that the Titanic was sliding towards the bottom of the ocean the week before it sailed. Then, on 9/11, terrorists struck our nation and shook our economy once again.  We faced a basic decision -- to leave more money with families and businesses, or to take more of your tax dollars for the federal government to, say, defend our land. President Bush made his choice.  He proposed and delivered tax relief -- not once, not twice, but three times, leaving you with an extra $300 that you probably spent in a week, and a $7.3 TRILLION debt that is increasing at an average rate of $1.69 BILLION/DAY. We think it was a good choice.

As a result, America has had the fastest growing economy in the world - downwards.  Individuals and families have received an average of $1,500 a year in tax relief. For those of you bad at math (and since we've stunted our educational system, that's probably most of you) if you and all your neighbors got $300 a year, someone, probably a friend of Ken Lay, got a whole lot more. You're using that money far better than we would have in Washington, like by buying lottery tickets, and all the duct tape and plastic sheeting you can use to defend yourself in case of another terrorist attack, and we did the right thing by returning it, because all we'd have done is used it on better housing or medical plans for our soldiers who are fighting their hearts out in a war that shouldn't have been started in the first place.

Quality jobs have been created for 10 consecutive months, adding more than 1.5 million new jobs.  National home ownership is at a record high. Productivity is high. The whole cabinet is high. Incomes are rising.  Inflation is low.  Interest rates are low.  And in the last year, our economy has grown at a rate of nearly 5 percent.  The American people are proving the pessimists wrong, and the Bush tax cuts are working.  I'm particularly high.

www.GeorgeWBush.com/Cheney/

We recognize there are still challenges, and we'll keep moving forward with a comprehensive pro-growth, pro-jobs agenda.

Our opponents have a different vision for the economy.  They talk a lot about jobs, yet they never explain how they would put a single American back to work.  Their big idea for the economy: raise our taxes. Why do we need to pay down our debt? This is crazy economics!

In fact, they would repeal many of the Bush tax cuts within their first hundred days in office.  This isn't surprising when you consider their record.  Over the years, Senator Kerry has voted over 350 times for higher taxes on the American people. Or, at least the American people who make over $250,000/yr.

On issue after issue, the choice on November 2nd will be clear.  On national security, it's a choice between our President, a man of steadfast resolve, bordering on pathological tunnel vision, and his opponent, who wavers with the political winds, like other strong men who, when they learn they've been led down the wrong path, have changed their policies so as not to conflict with their own integrity.  On the economy, it's a choice between our President, who has taken action and led America to days of progress and opportunity to hold down 3 minimum wage jobs none of which provide insurance, and his opponent, who would take us backward to a time when the economy was rosy, the government was flush, and fewer people were disconsolate about the job market.  On the values of this great country, where lying, blaming, torturing, and humiliating are held dear, it's a choice between our President, who has fought for and supported these values, and his opponent, rated as the most liberal member of the United States Senate.

On all these issues, we welcome the contest ahead, and we know, with your help, and the help of the Diebold electronic voting machines, it is a contest we will win.

Sincerely,
 
Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney



Wednesday, July 28, 2004

cosmic aether

For an apatheist*, cynic, critical thinker, realist, etc. I have a weirdly strong belief in the cosmic aether. Not the stuff that was widely thought to be the medium through which light and information traveled in space, but a metaphysical aether. The stuff that connects us all in the weird creepy way that makes you answer the phone, "Hi, mom... yeah, I just knew it was you..." or makes every obscure movie you reference obliquely show up on cinemax the next day.
 
The aether has come up twice in conversation at my house in the past two days. Once in reference to the job market, and once while talking about how best to get through downtown without hitting any red lights.
 
See, the way it works is this: You throw something like an intention, a job application, a personal ad into the aether. The intention/application/ad hits the aether and makes little aether ripples that slowly work their way through the universe, eventually sparking an event that ripples its way right back to you. It just does. It's magic.
 
Here. Let me flesh this out a little more. [ed. note: people who use the expression "flush this out" need to think about what that really means. ok? ew.]
 
Let's say you're looking for freelance work in, say, the field of marketing writing. So, you send out your cleverly made advertising postcards to 100 small companies for which you've uncovered the name of the appropriate person in the appropriate department and for whom you have a telephone number with which you can make a follow up call in a week. That's 100 little intention pebbles that you've just thrown into the aether!!! Of course none of those people are going to be interested in your work. So what!?!? You've got the ripples still working for you!
 
Inevitably, after applying for 237 jobs, or sending out 100 marketing postcards, or putting up 3 personal ads, you have irritated the cosmos with so many ripples that it's going to spit something back out at you like some cosmic aether hairball. Poof. Some friend calls with a freelance gig totally unrelated to your mailing. Someone finds your resume online on a site you haven't updated in 4 years and they call with a great job opportunity. You meet someone in a museum who can quote the same movies as you and thinks your few extra pounds are damn sexy. Doesn't matter where you throw the pebbles, just freakin' throw 'em!
 
The other aspect to the aether is that it has something of a schadenfreude-ish sense of humor. You know, you carry an umbrella every day in your car for a year, and the day you take it out, it pours and you're wearing a suede jacket and you're going for an interview. Lesson: always carry an umbrella. If you want to get through downtown without hitting any traffic lights, try to write something down on a small piece of paper that requires stopping for "just a sec'". Green for miles...
 
The aether is feisty. I think that's why I believe in it...
 
 
 
*An apatheist is someone who really just can't be bothered with believing in a god... Yawn.

acronyms

Since when did acronyms become things that you can't pronounce? I always thought that the difference between an acronym and an initialization (or an initialism, as M-W calls it) was that acronyms are words like NASA and NATO, and not FBI, CIA, NSA, and IRS.
 
Why does this annoy me? And, why could I only think of government agencies?
 
And, just because word processors make allowances for kerning after a period, why is it so bad to put two spaces after one? I mean, I *like* the extra break. It tells me where I'm allowed to breathe a little more deeply, instead of just taking a short little gaspy thing at a comma. Is it because when I read, I hear it in my head? I hear the rhythm and the cadence, and I find that important? Or is it because I'm still mad that one horrible job at an ad agency beat the double-space out of me without my consent?
 
It's sooooo hard to know.
 
I'll talk another time about punctuation within quotes, and why American rules are stupid. But not now. I have work to do.


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

vinyl

An excerpt from a note I'd sent someone explaining how I got to Houston from NJ...

"I'd been in Seattle - lovely lovely Seattle - when I made the mistake of getting married to and pregnant by a guy who was going to get his PhD faster than I was. Got dragged to Houston. Now I'm stuck here like the backs of your legs to a hot vinyl car seat..."


Monday, July 26, 2004

Trading Spouses

I finally found a reality show I could really sink my teeth into. Trading Spouses. On ... go figure ... Fox. The way it works is family number one yields up its wealthy, big-haired, two-steppin', white mom to swap parental control with the mom of family number two, a rural, lower middle class black family, whose dialogue, Fox apparently feels, requires subtitles. The prize? $50,000. The catch? The *other* mom gets to choose how it gets spent. 
 
I'm reluctant to get any further into it because it's nearly impossible to talk about the show without sounding racist. I'm open-minded and liberal and judge people usually by how they treat waitresses and by their bumperstickers, not by their color, sexual preference or religion. But, damn, there's only so PC you can be if you want to describe this show...
 
Oh look. More guilt.

 


morning coffee

There should be something satisfying about getting up in time to relax over a cup of coffee and some breakfast before going in to work. And yet, somehow I'm not taking advantage of the satisfaction. Instead, I'm checking the time every few minutes thinking, "hey, I could get to work early for a change..."  
  
But I know I'm not going to actually do that, so instead, I'm here, spending 45 minutes feeling guilty about being unwilling to drive in a moment before I absolutely have to. In fact, I will probably put it off so long, get involved in some other morning activity, like depressing myself with the news, that I'll be a few minutes late. As usual. 

This is the story of my life. Intentions and guilt.
 
Presumably I'm not alone. I'm sure you understand...