Z: Hi mom. I broke my hand.
Me: What? How?
Z: I slammed into a parked car.
Zack tells stories backwards, and only if you pull them out of him.
Me: Ok, what exactly were you doing when you slammed into the parked car?
Z: Thinking about a girl in my physics class. I wasn't really paying attention.
Me: No. WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!?!?
Z: Riding my bike. But, it was parked illegally.
Me: AAAA!! So, you don't have to watch out for cars that are parked illegally?
Z: I think she likes me.
Oh, lord. Hormones are worse than alcohol. Teenaged boys should not be allowed to operate vehicles of any sort. I still don't get how you break your hand hitting a parked truck.
Z: Yeah. So, the tailgate bent the front fork of my by 60 degr----
Me: Wait a minute. You hit the BACK of a truck? Full on?!?? And somehow a parked truck RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU escaped your attention?!??!
Z: Well, I told you it was parked illegally. At least I don't have to pay anything. She said I was different than the other boys in the class.
Me: Well, that's good. That's quite a complement from a 16 year old girl.
She's a junior. he's just a freshman. this *does* impress me. But, c'mon, the truck was PARKED.
Z: Yeah, and I landed in the bed.
Me: WAIT WAIT WAIT... You hit it so hard you FLIPPED YOUR BIKE OVER A
Z: Yeah. The tailgate's pushed in like 6 inches.
Me: [pause. reviewing my mental image...] Was anyone taking video of this?
I'm sure I would be feeling more maternal and less amused if I had to spend the day in the emergency room with him, but this image is priceless.
Me: ...'cos I'm thinkin' that America's Funniest home videos would pay for it... So, I should be amazed that you only broke your hand, right?
Z: You should be amazed that I flipped over a tailgate.
Me: Yes, well, should I be amazed that you didn't break lots of things?
Z: Uh, yep.
I love my son more than anything. But, there are times when I'm glad his hormone riddled body now lives with his dad.
And, for god's sake, someone teach the boy how to tell a story...
2 comments:
A few years back, my 'college-age' son sent me a note via email saying he didn't want to worry me, but had been mugged on the way home from a football game. He lost his leather jacket, and woke up in someone's yard a few hours later to discover he had received a chipped tooth and broken nose as well! In the email he clarified that it had happened three weeks earlier and he didn't want me to worry or see him until the swelling went down and the plastic surgery had healed. Do I believe the whole story? I would, if I got the whole story.
I still picture Zack being, like, four. This person who hit the truck with his bike is some weird cross between Zack and his Dad in my mind.
Anyway, I'm not so sure Zack's storytelling style is so bad. It makes for good meta stories, after all.
-- Andy
Post a Comment