It's 5:30am. I am up for some unspecific reason, possibly related to my sudden, and jarring, lack of sleepiness. For the second morning in a row, my eyes are gluey with irritation, and in trying to pinpoint a cause for my morning optic goopiness, I discovered that my brain's metaphoric center is communicating in a manner that's so beyond purple, it's damn near ultraviolet.
"My only conclusion was that my eye irritation was caused by the space heater, which was slowly sucking in every speck of dust in the air, funneling it through the glowing spring of the heating element, and sending a jet-stream of micro charcoal briquets hurtling at my unsuspecting corneas."
The purple grew as I realized that "this was perhaps the only time I would ever miss my second ex-husband, a vacuumer so devoted that it made me wonder if perhaps the DSM-IV shouldn't add another tell to the classic triad of sociopathy. You know, bed-wetting, animal torture, pyromania, and obsessively manic vacuuming."
My mind quickly bled out of the visible spectrum. "To truly do the dust-clogged carpet justice, though, it would have to be lifted at a corner, pulled from its barbed border with a satisfying zip, and thrown over a clothesline where it could be beaten mercilessly by an alabaster skinned southern woman, whose exertion in the oppressive heat of the afternoon provoked a glow of pink to her cheeks and beads of sweat to her forehead, only to be wiped away by a delicately bony wrist - a move so evocative that it caused more than one 13 year old boy to bring his baseball glove defensively to the front of his shorts."
To be fair, I'm not sure that my brain actually woke up like this. Sure, it may have been interrupted during REM sleep, a veritable petri-dish of metaphor creation, but I think it was just susceptible to the first thing it read when it realized it wasn't going back to sleep quickly:
Subject: Contemporary path to diminish mass!
My pills is an innovative grease-adhere accessory which
removes fat from the nourishment we gorge!
Devised with the strong grease-sticking fiber,
the blend of all-biological multipliers...
Subject: Identical specific --- bitty cost!
Ask for pharmaceuticals straight from
FDA approved factory-owner in Bharat.
Conserve up to 95% on indian specific.
and, of course, my favorite:
Subject: Bask the living with Someone Increment Hormone
After the 25 years, your body tardily desists executes
a significant hormone known as Somebody Increment Internal Secretion.
The step-down of it, which regulates levels of another internal secretions
in the organic structure is immediately liable for all of the largest
general markings of eld, such as furrows, light hair,
abated power, and vitiated sexual function.
After the effort of translating "Somebody Increment Internal Secretion" into "Human Growth Hormone" you could hardly blame my brain from drifting off into its early morning thesaurus-like meanderings.
But, for what it's worth, I also got junk mail from the Spay-Neuter Assistance Program this morning. I, for one, am glad that my brain didn't choose to go off on a rant about "Cancun hosts a Spay Camp for Thanksgiving"...
(Ok, just one: I think it would have been a much funnier headline if it was "Spring Break" instead of "Thanksgiving", but that's just me...)
I'm going back to bed.