A few days ago, I wrote an entry in this blog, dated it today, and saved it as a draft, just waiting to click the right button and tell the world (my very small version of it) some news, and how I came to the decision that I had.
Most of the entry stands as is, but as usual, at heart I'm more of an editor than a writer. So I edit.
I have been singing with a group called the Lager Rhythms for 10 years. For the past 4 years I have considered leaving at various times for various reasons, but I've always been sucked back in for one more concert or to finish one more CD or because one particular member of the group makes overt, threatening moves when I bring the subject up...
...In the nicest possible way, of course...
We released our 3rd CD in May. Since then, I've driven my son to New Mexico to live with his father for high school, I've had relationship ups and downs, I've put my house on the market, and I've had job anxiety. It's been a busy time, and I was left feeling less than perky.
So, in the last few months I've spent a lot of time trying to get myself out of my little ditch-o'-blues (although, to be honest, the melodrama often gives me more to write about...) and trying to determine what it is that actually makes me happy, and how I can do this elusive thing in such a way that I can answer the question, "Sooo, what do you do for a living?" with "Oh, I do exactly the thing that I love to do most..." (no smart ass comments, thank you...)
I do love singing with my group. We have a blast at rehearsals, they are some of my best friends in Houston. I've been with the group longer than I'd been with both husbands combined. It's been my longest lasting relationship-by-choice ever.
But singing is not my passion. It's fun. I enjoy it. I have actually gotten fairly good at it over the years with the group. I'm now enough of a intuitive alto (i.e. I feel weird unless I'm singing the uncomfortable, but way cool, harmony part) that I no longer sing melody along with the radio, and my instinct is to sing backup for my other musical friends.
But it's still not my passion.
Writing these essays to some imagined audience makes me happy. I love this. I could do this ten hours a day and forget to go pee. I want to be a columnist. I want to be a syndicated columnist, if you must know, but that sounds a little cocky from someone who's currently employed as a techwriter and has a mere blog.
But that's what I want to do.
So, the plan for this entry was to apologize to my friends in the group, and to say goodbye to the Lager Rhythm fans and to thank them for 10 great years. Last night's gig at the Duck was going to be my last. I was going to take all that time freed up from rehearsals working towards getting myself published in an increasingly impressive list of publications. Because... that's what I want to do.
But, plans change. It was a good show. It felt good to be on stage and get to pretend to not be an introvert for a little while. I got a chance to remember that it's not just threat of bodily harm that keeps me in the group. I'm an addict. I get a big high from the performing thing.
Soooooo... I'm rethinking. I'm not going to stay in the group forever. Ten years is a long time to be doing Zombie Jamboree, but I'm not quite ready to leave yet.
I just hope writing and singing is easier than snapping and singing at the same time. 'Cos I suck at that...